Today you would be two

 ^“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ.” 

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NLT

It was a crisp February day, a sunny day that even through the cold, beconed one to be outdoors.  It was a day full of life and one to be lived.  I was living in a secret which was only exposed to a select few.  There was a hop in my step as I headed to the doctor’s office.

A big plus sign had appeared at home and the doctor confirmed that I was indeed pregnant with our fourth child.  My children were thrilled beyond belief, my husband and I had wrapped our minds around having four children and we were ready for this adventure.

But it all stopped short that day.

A routine check up, but a heartbeat was not found.  The doctor did a great job of covering up her emotions and ordered an immediate ultrasound.  Because I had three easy pregnancies, I thought nothing of it.  I had been through this before and all went well.

But today it didn’t.

I headed to the tech alone.  Stepped in and as the woman did her scan, she sighed, looked kindly at me with a half smile and said the words that echo in my ear as I write this. “I’m so sorry.”  I was totallly numb. Not knowing what to feel, I quietly thanked her for telling me and walked out of the office with tears streaming down my face and cried my way through a phone call to Kevin.

To spare you more graphic details, we lost our baby and entered into one of the hardest years of our lives.  Looking back, I can say that it was a year of tremendous growth in my spiritual walk, yet one of the hardest one’s that we endured as a couple and as a family.  Losing our child brought out a fury of emotions I didn’t know existed, yet had to deal with.  It made me more compassionate to those who have lost children, or struggle in having children.  It made me realize how precious life is and how every child is a true gift.  It made me think through the things I say to people as I try to offer comfort.  It made me look through the lenses of loss and grief to be able to be angry, hurt, and full of sadness.  And to cry. Really cry.

Yet two years later, the Lord in His grace and mercy has helped me heal.  I have an extreme sense of peace in knowing that I know my baby rests in the loving arms of Jesus, and one day I will see him or her.  I will be able to hold that fourth child of mine in my arms and know that child.  I will be able to truly say that this child, though I was never able to hold him or her on this earth, sanctified me in ways I needed, yet didn’t know I needed.  My heart was exposed in a way I didn’t want it to be.  But it was so good.  I look back and know that it was grace that got me through that time, and lots of really, really wonderful friends who had ears to listen, hugs to offer and peace to give.

This past week as we were traveling in the mini van, I looked back in the rear view mirror and my heart rejoiced over the three blessings sitting in those seats.  My eyes then moved to the empty spot where our toddler would have been.  At one time, we were awaiting that seat to be filled with a life.  But unfortunately God had other plans for us, and also comforted our hearts in our loss.  Two years later, praise Jesus, my heart has healed and I do look forward to the day where I will meet this child.  Until then, I treasure these three little lives that I have been blessed to parent and love.

*** One great resource that was offered to me was the book “I’ll Hold you in Heaven” by Jack Hayford.